| "Goodbye Cruel world" |
[Mar. 10th, 2010|04:12 am] |
This Journal is now going mostly Friends-Only. Sorry to all the very nice anonymous folks out there, but due to some RL craziness it's become important for me to know who's reading. I'll still post some things public but mostly it will be take action kinda stuff...
Your welcome to Comment and ask to be friended.
Scroll down to read the non-friends-only posts. |
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| I've been remiss |
[Nov. 8th, 2009|01:47 am] |
in my posting as of late.
Things have just been had to get into words.
Been off work for more than a week with foot sprain. Probably going back Tuesday. Not sure how I feel about that.
Went out last night. It was fun. Stuck my foot in my mouth a few times. and others thought of something witty so say in retort only 2 or 3 hours to late.
Things feel stale. I Want... I desire... all to no avail. Restlessness or running away? Not sure... but I'm also not sure I care anymore. |
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| fuckstockings |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|09:22 pm] |
I feel like my brain is on fire... in a good way...
I feel like I'm flying, and almost invincible. |
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| ARRG! |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|10:35 pm] |
I want desperately to go to the Depeche Mode Concert tomorrow. Missing Depeche Mode is like ripping out part of my soul. But with all the shit going on at work I just can't ask off.
Here's to hoping something awesome happens like for the last tour where I missed them here but won tickets to see them in California... Why do I feel it's too much to ask for that to happen twice in my life?
Also I am intensely wishing there was some way I could heal a severed spinal cord. He is such an amazing man... I adore my time with him, and he takes it all in such stride, but it is truly hard to be able to do nothing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|03:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
To You: Gods I wish I could believe that. But I doubt you were talking to me. I knew that story. And I of all people know you to be the story-teller and the dream-weaver, oh and never forget the the lie-wright. How insane it is that I could still hope after a decades gone... well that it could vanish like you. Don't get me wrong I no longer long for you, but I at least admit that there is still part of my very soul that is drawn to you. You gave me something No one else could or has before or since, and I miss that, but the blindness has been tempered with the knowledge that you also gave me pain, and showed me a cruelty few if any could match.
The one thing you gave me that I miss the most was the feeling of absolute invincibility. Gods I need a bit of that now... facing what I have to in the week to come. But I know that's not your job... I just said it would be nice. Almost as nice as the idea of just bolting...
As for the rest of the entry that isn't a response to someone else's...
Dunno if I can face work tomorrow. I'm still sick, and having lost my temper at the end of the day on Friday... I know I'm looking at being written up. I've got a fairly solid defense, at least I think it is, but it's going to take a lot of work. it's going to take facing that harassing mother fucker I call a supervisor and pinning him to the fucking wall. I've got recordings, I've got photos, I've got paper work, and hopefully if all my co-workers don't fucking wus out and the other Sups ps out then I've got other peoples testimonials. It will require I keep going up the chain. I've already left a VM for the Director of Facilities.
Think is I know WHAT to do... The thing is I just don't know that I have the resolve to do it. There is so much of me right now that wishes more than anything I could just never go back, or call and leave a VM saying I quit. Or hell there is part of me that would just rather stop facing EVERYthing right now. The really obnoxious problem is that I know it is only going to get a LOT worse before it gets any better. I'm loosing it... being harassed almost constantly, being told after working my ass off all day long, doing the very friggin best I can do... that I'm not doing my job, especially while I watch other guys clock out in uniforms that look as pristine as they day they were handed to them... Fuck I leave there every day in a uniform that stinks so badly people wont sit next to me on the bus, Every shirt I have is stained to the point it wont come clean... I mean what the fuck do they think I'm doing all day??? sitting in the cart and then Rolling in the dirt and hanging out in a sauna just to get that worked in smell?
I mean I came in a couple hours late the other day because I was sick, but I knew we are short handed and needed me to be there... what happens... I get my "balls" busted because I'm tardy to much... Interesting not is that the policy book says we are ALLOWED THREE tardies in a single month I have had 0 tardys in the month prior to that day, but when I got there I got fussed at.
My sup tells me I'm not finished with a project, I tell him I thought I had and need him to explain/show me what I needed to finish, where upon he YELLS at me to go read his instructions again and then go "LOOK" for what I hadn't finished. SO he YELLS at me, and then yells at me again because I OBVIOUSLY don't understand what he wants me to do and I'm supposed to spend my time "LOOKING" for what it is I'm not doing right when he wont tell me, but he's pissed off and YELLING at me for not completing a job he says I should have completed two days ago.
So I'm a little less than sure why my Sup can YELL at me, Pitch a Fit like 4 YO, but if I ask him not to or to Hold on a minute so I can get my composure, he refuses... but if I act impertinent, raise my voice, use words that I have heard him use at me, have the audacity to show him what I have done for the day when I am accused of doing nothing, Or in any other way loose my cool... I am written up, or disciplined.
Oh for fuck sake I can't deal with this shit anymore.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2009|05:54 pm] |
Everything I do seems for not.
I struggle only to fail.
I give up only to fail.
I give in only to fail.
I keep my peace only to fail.
I speak out only to fail.
I love only to fail.
I hate only to fail.
I am starting to think that I am destine to fail whatever I turn to.
Even the things I never dreamed I could loose are lost.
There never has been any hope... so I can't be faulted for giving it up. |
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| darn |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|10:03 am] |
Missed out on the really rad costume. 'Inda wondering if any of mý seamstress friends would be upn for a comission of a !ritish uniform coat with a bit less than a month to work on it...
I am also wondering if I could manage the making the tunic and breeches. I am no seamstress but they don't look too difficult.
In other news I am sorta nuttry toda as I go really wonky with my meds this weekend. (read didn't take them for 3 days) Then I got a migrain lsat night and still have some residuals from that.Mainly I am just kinda confused and talkative with nost of my face feeling numb.
.Issed out on the tax weekend and I am sorta bummed bout that. As there were some clothes I wanted to pick up at target.
Dried some of my paste tomatoes over the weekend in my Ronco drier. I had been a bit worried they wouldn't dry as Ronco has really bad reviews, but turns out they are sort of over dry. They were supposed to come out chewy and came out crispy. 5unna really what to do about that, pack them in oil maybe? |
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| Eeep! |
[Jul. 29th, 2009|08:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
I have a sudden feeling of intense dread. To make it worse I have no idea where it is coming from. |
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| Frustrated |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|05:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
So I didn't get to go on my super awesome hiking trip this weekend :(
Mainly because I want to pick up my new check card from the fedex office last night and somehow left my drivers License there. I had to get it before work Monday and if I went on the trip that was very unlikely. also the fact that I didn't get home until nearly 11pm last night because of searching and what not, I didn't get packed up and yeah... so major bummer
I did get my DL back. at least, but if I hadn't I would have gone over and got a new one over on county services.
But I am really bummed out 'cause now my weekend plans are ruined, the one and only guy still on my plan is busy with his kid this weekend, and I don't have any friends that want to go with me to any of the fetish nights tonight.
I have stuff that I can do... just nothing I really want to do. I can job hunt... wooo fun... I can work on trying to get or make the costume I want to wear to con, and I can work on my yard. bleh. |
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| D*con room anyonea? |
[Jul. 15th, 2009|09:45 am] |
Hey everyone,
I Thinking of getting room for Dragon con. I have AAA so I can get s bit of a discount from the full price rooms. I know that all the com price rooms are take, but I was able to get a room at the hilton for all of con last year this way. I just can't afford a room all to myself. Is there anyone interested in going in with me?
Thanx |
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| because I can't really say it |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|11:00 pm] |
There is soooo much in side me right now. So much I want to say, and yet it just wont come. Likely it is fear holding my tongue, as so often is the case, especially with you. Or perhaps there aren't words. To many words have past between the two of us, yet in the same way not enough. Perhaps there aren't words, Perhaps you wouldn't listen even if there were.
I have hopes that you might learn, but experience would tell me that you don't. But then again neither do I, as much as I try, I see myself repeating my old patterns. A victim of my own delusional fairy tales. I wish I could teach you, and you me... But that has always been the dream. And I know I am not the only one that has had that dream with you.
Watching backwards as life like pictures
Stinging thoughts, born with phantoms
We danced above a world forgotten
Moments cherished...even now
A train-wrecked heart loves fairy tales
Singing from a gaping wound
However time has left unsettled
My memories play out of tune
You can't unmake a cold mistake
You can't undo the hearts you break
Then there is her, to whom I can't say anything because I am dead to her
She's been dancing through my head all day as well. She who will likely never read this, as she's also has swore me off, dancing into her own fairy tell. At least I've had the good scene to keep her from my life, knowing that to read her blissful fairytale would hurt to much to bare. Even knowing what little I do of her new life haunts me day and night. Even knowing she probably still misses me does little to dull the intensity of they betrayal.
How I wish the hate would dissolve to apathy. How I long to move on to put her from my thoughts. Even if it was as simple as being able to see another as my best friend, much less both lover and best friend. oh, to one day be able to look back on what we shared and not feel such pain that I regret our ever meeting. To be able to look to the future and see it as a world of possibilities and not simply a world void of her.
A heartfelt sorrow I believe
Offered this for passion's crime
A crippled satellite trapped in orbit
My memories play out of time
The listless price of my descension
Where emptiness has pulled me down
Cascading from my divagation
Below the frozen winter skies
My eyes resign dissolving vision
To vividness of sense and sequence
Betrayed by certain circumstances
Outside the world I've known
How cold and cut bewildered silence
Left me for a newer face
While sadness dances gracefully
In this forgotten place
Regardless of the introspection
I found myself in your reflection
I guess it's all too easy now
To look the other way
Saving graces, trading places
Asking for a sense of hope
But the line to heaven's ringing busy
And I walk this path alone |
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| Fuck mother fucker!!!! |
[Jun. 20th, 2009|11:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
I am EXACTLY the person that the new cash for clunkers was MEANT to help!
I am desperate for a little help to buy a new car. And could do so with a little help from the gov.
I want a car that is only $15,000 or less
I want a care that gets an average fuel efficiency more than 10 gallons better than the car I currently drive.
The snag???
The care you currently drive must have had a NEW sticker fuel economy Average of less than 18mpg
My car got a rating of 19mpg
I am just so disappointed right now I don't know what to do. |
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| AWE!!!!! |
[Jun. 19th, 2009|08:00 pm] |
err that was not the link I meant.
this is:
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| whatever |
[Jun. 17th, 2009|09:22 pm] |
ok so I know know that I'm going to stop posting anything relationship-wise on here. I am sick of the lectures.
may just stop posting here all together... dunno yet. |
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| I've never really believed in the whole... your time to go thing... but whoa |
[Jun. 11th, 2009|07:23 pm] |
June 11, 2009
Woman who missed Flight 447 is killed in car crash
An Italian woman who arrived late for the Air France plane flight that crashed in the Atlantic last week has been killed in a car accident.
Johanna Ganthaler, a pensioner from Bolzano-Bozen province, had been on holiday in Brazil with her husband Kurt and missed Air France Flight 447 after turning up late at Rio de Janeiro airport on May 31.
All 228 people aboard lost their lives after the plane crashed into the Atlantic four hours into its flight to Paris.
The ANSA news agency reported that the couple had managed to pick up a flight from Rio the following day.
It said that Ms Ganthaler died when their car veered across a road in Kufstein, Austria, and swerved into an oncoming truck. Her husband was seriously injured. |
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| really upset about work |
[Jun. 7th, 2009|08:58 pm] |
Things have gone from ok to bad to worse very quickly at work. I am convenience my boss would have fired me on Friday if I'd not just been to see HR and I'm pretty darn sure that he is building a case against me still. I have to make an appointment to speak to Warren Page, head of facilities. I also have to have a meeting with Thomas Vance of HR about my ADA disability request. My supervisor has become increasingly belligerent. I am carrying around a voice recorder now because he has a tendency to say things to me when others are not around that are totally out of line. I was trying on Friday to only turn it on when he was around, but that plan as be thwarted because he snuck up on me and began berating and yelling at me so I took it out of my pocket and turned it on in front of him. So now he knows I have it. He will probably be more careful now, but I don't intend to give him any chances. It turns on when I get to work in the AM and will not turn off until I leave. That means I will have to come home and DL it every day, but oh well.
My stomach is in knots. Thank goodness I am on sleep medication. |
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